P. Boye Motivations

Have You Ever Told Your Child ” I am Sorry”? If not, you might be missing out on a crucial aspect of effective parenting. Dear Parents, this message is for you!

Dear Mom and Dad, as children, one of the most crucial things we need from you is effective and loving communication. This forms the foundation of every healthy or strained relationship between parents and their children.

COMMUNICATION

How you communicate with us can either make us feel cherished and understood, or it can push us away. Your approach to correction and guidance can significantly influence how we perceive and respond to you. Communication is not just about talking but about connecting. It’s about creating an environment where we feel safe to express our thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or retribution.

I understand the necessity of being strict, but there’s a fine line between discipline and being overly harsh. At some point in a child’s life, if all we hear are corrections in form of abuse and reprimands , we begin to tune out. It’s a fact—over time, we learn to block out your words, because all you seem to do is COMPLAIN AND SHOUT AT US even when you try to speak with love. The moments that were meant to build a relationship often get overshadowed by constant criticism and a lack of understanding.

Dear daddy and mummy, when last did you use a soft tone to correct us ? If you raise your voice once in a while, it’s different. But every-time? At a point, all we would hear are just MERE THREATS and I am sorry to say, we would grow out of it and CARE LESS about you and the words you say, because these words hurt us and we are learning to shut off ‘bad energy.’ Please 😭

The Bible advises to train up a child in the way they should go, so they won’t depart from it. But it also says:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with lovingkindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” – Ephesians 6:4

This passage highlights the importance of balancing discipline with tenderness and love. For new parents, please understand that there are times when discipline needs to be balanced with compassion. Being the “typical strict parent” often does not convey your good intentions.

Real-Life Examples of Missteps in Parenting:

1. Over-Emphasis on Academic Success: Constantly pressuring children to achieve high grades without acknowledging their efforts or understanding their interests can lead to stress and burnout. This pressure can make children feel valued only for their academic performance, rather than for who they are as individuals. It’s crucial to celebrate their efforts and personal achievements, fostering a love for learning rather than fear of failure.
2. Neglecting Emotional Needs: Sometimes parents are so focused on providing materially that they forget to nurture their children emotionally. This can manifest as being physically present but emotionally distant—parents who are always busy with work or other commitments and have little time for meaningful conversations. Children need to feel valued and understood. Regularly spending quality time together, listening to their concerns, and showing empathy can strengthen the parent-child bond. Dear sir/ma, please if you need to speak to your spouse , please do, never should your home be left without a parent for a child to come back home to simply ‘speak to’ . This simply means , a parent who is emotionally available to listen and understand without providing criticism but rather understanding should always be at one point , available. My mum on a number of occasions was there and my dad too , at every point, there was at least one parent I could talk to even about my bad experiences. I look back today and I can write this post because they were PRESENT, emotionally.
3. Inconsistent Discipline: Being inconsistent with rules and consequences can confuse children and undermine their sense of security. For example, if a parent is lenient one day and excessively strict the next, the child may struggle to understand boundaries and expectations. Consistency helps children learn what is acceptable behavior and builds trust in their parents’ guidance. What this would also mean is BE CONSISTENT BY BEING CONSISTENT. E.g If you tell me not to eat in my room, why then are you allowed to eat in your room?

Additionally, one crucial aspect that often gets overlooked is the ability to apologize. African parents, please learn to say sorry. If you know you have wronged or abused your children, it is vital to acknowledge your mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Apologizing does not diminish your authority; rather, it humanizes you and shows your children that everyone makes mistakes and that accountability and humility are important values.

I’d like to share a personal story to illustrate this. There was a time I frequently had misunderstandings with my mom (I was in my teenage phase). One day, we had a significant argument, and I was deeply hurt and frustrated. To my biggest surprise, my mom came and apologized to me. That day changed my perspective of her entirely. That single act was so significant that it transformed our relationship.

I began to appreciate and love her more, understanding that her corrections came from a place of care, and it showed me something even more significant: she was determined to do parenting right, even if it meant being humble. I saw her as a “human being” that day who could also make mistakes. It did something profound to me; it made me stop “looking up to her to judge her every action so I could point out her mistakes like I thought she was doing to me.” Instead, it made me see her as human, and so, if she made any other errors, I learned to overlook them, not with blocked ears but with a love that covers all wrongs. Do you see that?

Dear Mom, this blog post was inspired by you. Thank you for balancing being strict and loving. That day marked a significant change in my life. It may not have been a big deal to you, but it was for me. Now, I know better how to love because of your humility. Thank you.

Now, you don’t have to say sorry every time your child is simply upset or throwing tantrums (it’s key to discipline us too), but please, there are times you genuinely hurt your child, maybe even through your words or through silent treatment. Please save us from repeating generational pain and apologize.

Take our Heavenly Father as an example. He is strict and allows life’s challenges to refine us, yet He corrects us with love. In the story of Jonah, God chastised him by sending him into the belly of a fish. Despite this, Jonah learned from his mistakes and called out to God in his distress. This shows that even in correction, God remained loving and kind.

In the same way, you can learn to be both loving and firm. Mend those broken relationships with your children today. Rebuild your homes with a foundation of love and understanding. It’s never too late to start anew, to reach out and connect with your children, and to build a stronger, more compassionate family bond.

Thank you,

Sharon Paulina Boye
August 4, 2024